I am NOT the Shock Absorber – Foster Care Thoughts

Today was another roller coaster day. The most stress we’ve experienced in our past 17 days (but who is counting?) has been directly related to our interactions with “the system.” This afternoon I tried called our overworked and underpaid and certainly overwhelmed case worker for the Division of Family and Children services. You see, Janie’s birthday is tomorrow and I was hoping and praying that we would have some news to give her about when she might be able to see her parents. What a beacon of hope to be able to offer a little girl on her 11th birthday.

I’d tried calling several times over the week and left voicemails. I hadn’t heard from her and was losing hope. Thankfully, I knew enough NOT to tell Janie anything about what was going on behind the scenes. This time, our case worker answered! But that was about the most encouraging part of the entire conversation. She let me know that she was glad I’d called because she needed to notify me that the investigator for our case would be coming and picking Janie up at 7:30 tomorrow morning to have her second interview with the police.

I was dumbstruck. NO, not tomorrow. Tomorrow is her birthday. We had big plans for her to go to school and share cupcakes with her class. Plans to have a special dinner and a mini dessert party and even a sleep over (yes! Foster kids can have sleep overs, more on “Prudent Parenting” another time). A long day spent driving to and from her county, being interviewed by the police was NOT on the agenda. I asked, could the investigator please meet with her another day? It is better for her not to miss the party planned for school. The caseworker wasn’t hopeful because it was already nearly 5 pm by the time we got in touch and nothing can be planned after business hours. But, she said she’d try. She called back about 20 minutes later to tell me that it was potentially being moved to the afternoon. Great, that’s even worse, then we’ll have no birthday fun at all. I thanked her for her efforts but requested that it would actually be better in the end, if we couldn’t move the day, for it to happen in the morning.

In my head I was watching the little light that had been growing in her eyes as birthday plans were formed, being snuffed out by this horrible news. The real trouble was that we were supposed to make birthday cupcakes right after I picked them up from After School Program. We didn’t need to make cupcakes if she wasn’t going to be at school but we didn’t have a confirmation. I was really upset. Someone who doesn’t know what’s going on, can just jump into our lives with no understanding of things and arbitrarily make HUGE decisions like this? The case worker told me not to talk to her about it. Not to bring it up because it could change And boy do we know about this after the week they were placed with us. All day Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of that week we were told they would be leaving our house any time, “It’s just a matter of paperwork.” 

We’d learned enough to know not to say things. I was so upset. I called our wonderful Foster Care agency, Uniting Hope 4 Children, and talked through my frustrations. My case worker there sympathized and affirmed some of the worst about this broken system and its “quirks.” The hardest part for me was bearing the burden of being the one who had to tell her about these changes and with each phone call what I needed to tell her was changing. It is emotionally exhausting and today it brought me to tears.

There was grace for me tonight, though. I was writing in my journal about how hard it is to be the shock absorber. The one protecting the kids from all the terrible things about this situation and trying to make their lives as normal as possible. Jesus kindly whispered to me, no, you aren’t the shock absorber. That’s my job. Your job is to take care of them and keep them healthy and safe. You don’t have to bear their burdens for them. You’ll never make it if you keep trying. I can handle the weight of their sorrow and carry their fragile hope in my hands. You just keep taking step by step in the direction I lead you.

What sweet peace.

In the end, nothing changed for tomorrow. They worked it out so that she can stay in school and will have the interview next week. All that stress, and everything is exactly the same. Welcome to Foster Care.